It’s the most wonderful time of the year.. to be a wrestling fan. The Royal Rumble PPV means that the road to WrestleMania is about to “officially” begin and the best idea that Vince McMahon ever tried to put down, the Royal Rumble match itself, is upon us.
Unfortunately, for what seems like 6 years in a row now, all the hype that has gone into the Royal Rumble has left us completely disappointed. Predictable and/or unpopular Royal Rumble winners that remind us once again that the main event for WrestleMania is Vince McMahon’s fantasy, not ours, has been the main culprit, setting up twice in a lifetime matches and Roman Reigns main eventing two WrestleManias in a row.
This years Rumble feels different however. For once the Rumble winner itself seems completely unpredictable, with a bunch of potential winners that could go on to face either the man holding the WWE Championship or the guy holding it’s red ugly step brother, the WWE Universal Championship.
With an unpredictable Rumble, plenty of potentially show stealing returns or debuts and an interesting card with matches that have gotten a proper build up because of the brand split, the WWE can’t possibly go wrong.
Or can they?
Here’s how the WWE potentially ruins every single match on the card:
The Seemingly Randomly Thrown Together Women’s 3 on 3 Match: Alexa Bliss, Mickie James and Natalya vs Becky Lynch, Naomi and Nikki Bella
I put “seemingly randomly” in the title, because I think this might be a great way of setting up a Women’s Elimination Chamber match at the upcoming Smackdown Live PPV. The best way to set that up would be by giving these women enough time to show off everyone involved, making them all look like a threat. If they can do that, while also creating some dissension amongst the two teams, I think a lot of people could be excited about the prospect of the first women’s Elimination Chamber match ever.
Of course, that would be a good idea, but the WWE might ruin it by doing the exact opposite. Treating this match as a bathroom break and giving them 5 minutes to wrap up a pointless match is a surefire way of devaluing this whole division just as it is getting very interesting with the return of Mickie James.
Having the heels lose in a quick match, making Mickie James’ return look weak while treating the heels like the underdogs is probably what Vince & Co will go for.
Sasha Banks vs Nia Jax
Nia Jax has way more to win from coming out on top. Sasha Banks has been legitimized several times during her feud of the year candidate against Charlotte, while Nia has been struggling to get TV time feuding with the rest of the pretty shallow RAW women’s roster. As usual in feuds involving monster heels, you can’t have the face overcome her/his obstacle at the first try.
Sasha Banks overcomes Nia Jax on her first try.
The RAW Tag Team Championship Match (Featuring 2 Referees..?): Sheamus & Cesaro (C) vs Gallows & Anderson
This might be the only match that there is no right way of booking. These championships only just changed hands from the historic 483 day title reign from The New Day so it doesn’t make sense to devalue that huge win for Sheamus & Cesaro. On the other hand, Gallows and Anderson have been booked to look terrible after they arrived with a lot of fanfare only 8 months ago, so it wouldn’t make sense for them to lose either.
Usually this is a perfect set up for a screwy finish where no one really comes out on top, but the titles stay with the current champions. This tactic has been used to death in this division however, as it was the go-to move for the WWE to make sure the losing team looked strong while The New Day exterminated Demolition’s previous record.
They just can’t go for this type of finish again, so hopefully they make sure nothing controversial happ… oh shit.. there are 2 referees in this match… Sheamus and Cesaro win by shenanigans, while The Club continue to look like fools.
The Royal Rumble PPV:
The Cruiserweight Championship Match: Rich Swann (C) vs Neville
Neville should go on to confirm his claim of being the “King of the Cruiserweights” and look dominant doing so. I love Rich Swann and wish his reign could have lasted longer, but he’s just at the wrong place at the wrong time. I actually wouldn’t mind a Swann upset victory here though, as long as Neville continues to look dominant.
The worst thing the WWE could do, would be to have Swann look the strongest throughout, but ending up with a similar finish to the TJP vs Brian Kendrick championship match not too long ago. A decision the WWE probably regret, especially if they want to go the exact same route here.
The RAW Women’s Championship Match: Charlotte (C) vs Bayley
As we’ve been reminded time and time again, Charlotte has never lost in a championship match at a PPV. She bested Sasha Banks in their feud and looks as dominant as ever. Bayley is a perennial underdog, a female Daniel Bryan, and is getting her first shot at the RAW Women’s Championship.
After hot potatoing the championship during the feud with Sasha Banks, Charlotte should retain the title and her PPV winning streak here. Seeing as Bayley is an underdog it doesn’t even make sense for her to win on her first attempt either. I don’t think even the WWE would pull something like that and blow off a potentially long feud and chase after the title for Bayley.
Making everything confusing by having Charlotte lose by disqualification, snapping her winning streak while still having her as champion.
The WWE Championship Match: AJ Styles (C) vs John Cena
Everyone seems to have surrendered to the thought of John Cena winning his record-breaking 16th WWE Championship and burying AJ Styles in the process, but I haven’t.
Unless of course, they pull off the slightly rumored double turn, finally pulling the trigger on turning Cena heel while also allowing AJ Styles to become a babyface so the fans cheering for him actually will make sense. Two things the WWE Universe would be excited to see and which would make perfect sense as John Cena finally ties the record of “the dirtiest player in the game” Ric Flair.
This isn’t our fantasy, it’s Vince McMahon’s fantasy… So there can only be one winner by clean, Superman, Never Give Up means AND HIS NAME IS JOHN CENA!
The Universal Championship Match: Kevin Owens (C) vs Roman Reigns
Roman Reigns wins.
The Royal Rumble Match:
The best part of the Rumble match this year is how unpredictable the winner and even the final four is. With the brand split there are so many different ways they can go and two different champions who can face the Royal Rumble winner. Most likely, the winner will come from RAW, as they always try to give RAW the upper hand while they also need to elevate the Universal Championship and as I just mentioned… are probably going with Roman Reigns, once again, as their champion and main eventer. Poor Kevin Owens who has been booked horribly as the champion will go on to feud with Jericho for the US title after Y2J “inexplicably” gets involved from his shark cage to cost KO the title.
I think in my best version of the Rumble, we are left with Sami Zayn and Braun Strowman, with Sami Zayn finally giving us an unexpected and fan favored Rumble winner who can face KO at WrestleMania.
With that conclusion after a Rumble match filled with cross-brand confrontation, star power and surprise entrants (Nakamura, Samoa Joe and Kurt Angle pretty please..) I think everyone would be excited for WrestleMania. But we’re looking at worst case scenarios here…
"Yay Goldberg in the Rumble"
"Yay Kevin Owens called out Roman Reigns!"#WWE want Reigns vs Goldberg for the title at Mania, stupid idiots.
— Mathias Eftedal (@Maefteda) November 22, 2016
This worst case scenario isn’t actually that bad for me personally, because I’d be right on my prediction from 2 months ago. I’m sure the WWE could talk themselves into Goldberg, seeing as it got such a huge reaction when he beat Lesnar. Unfortunately, the WWE Universe won’t take as kindly to Lesnar screwing Goldberg at the grandest stage of them all and handing Roman Reigns the championship. At least it will be that crappy red one this time…