Basketball

Casting “Space Jam 2” after Kobe’s Oscar

The 90th annual Academy Awards – The Oscars – happened this weekend, and while it is normally not notable for having anything to do with the NBA, this year’s “Animated Short Film” winner, was NBA legend, Kobe Bryant.

Very much deserved. Congratulations are in order!

While it may not have felt as good as winning one of his 5 NBA Championships – despite what Kobe himself claims – winning an Oscar must have been a huge honor for him.

It’s the first Academy Award that anything NBA related has won after Space Jam was an obvious snub for “Best Picture” at the 69th (Nice) Academy Awards. It didn’t even get a single nomination. This is an outrage! At least Kobe has opened the gates for something like Space Jam 2 to be taken seriously…

So how do we make the rumored Space Jam 2 into another Oscar winner for the NBA?

I’m obviously very serious and think we have a legit shot at winning another one. We just need the right cast to go along with the obvious leading man:

LeBron James Kobe Bryant!

That’s right. Kobe Bean Bryant. Not only has he proven to be a more clutch Oscars performer than LeBron, but he’s the closest thing we ever got to the original Space Jam star, Michael Jordan. Air Jordan’s iconic, game-winning, (I legit thought he did it for real as a kid) dunk is the defining moment from the original Space Jam.

LeBron would probably pass the ball to Bill Murray, outstretched arm and all. We don’t need that for our hero ball leading man. What we need is a patented turnaround fadeaway (KOBE) jumper to seal the victory and “the Monstars” fate. Sorry LeBron, you got some acting chops, but Space Jam 2 with you as the leading man would be a trainwreck. *derisive laughter*

So we got our leading man for our Tune Squad; Kobe Bryant. Go get the “Best Actor” Award this time Mamba. We still need 5 players who get their talent stolen by the Monstars however.

Notable Monstar Omissions:

Kevin Durant – Did you see him in “Thunderstruck”? No. Me neither. It was apparently so bad that Durant swore off acting again. Besides, if he was cast, he’d probably join the Monstars willingly. No snake-like, gooey, talent-absorber needed.

Blake Griffin – Michael Jordan’s personal pick for leading man back in 2016, but Jordan is not known for his drafting. That was 2 years ago anyway and it seems like the Nerdlucks have stolen his talents in real life since then.

Jeremy Lin – I’ve seen people include Lin to appeal to an audience outside of the US, but this isn’t 2012 and “Linsanity” is long gone. Lin gets less All-Star votes than Zaza Pachulia. So much for universal appeal.

Zach LaVine – He dazzled us all with the Space Jam dunk, a good audition. However, despite how much I’d personally like to cast him over our current starting SG, he just doesn’t have the star power yet.

LeBron James – I know LeBron has already been chosen to be the leading man, so he would likely say no if he instead was offered a Monstar part. I’m sorry LeBron, but we’re trying to win an Oscar here, so you better leave it to the pros.

Our Space Jam 2 Monstars:

James Harden

I may not be the biggest James Harden fan, but we gotta make room for the guy who probably ends up being the MVP.

He has a trademark cartoonish beard, which fits nicely into the realm of Space Jam. The Beard would be a worthy opponent for Yosemite Sam, who makes up for a lack of skill with better facial hair.

Exclusive: The VideoScope have learned that James Harden got the part for Space Jam 2, sources say. They have already recorded his scenes and The VideoScope have managed to obtain them, exclusively for our readers:
James Harden’s Leaked Space Jam 2 Footage

Kristaps Porzingis

Kristaps Porzingis checks off 3 important boxes:

Token White Guy ✔
Knicks/MSG Cameo ✔
Leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeength ✔

What more do you need? Porzingis is no rank and file player either, he’s a superstar. Look at the picture and tell me Porzingis isn’t a Monstar. He’s already a unicorn, so why not a Monstar?

Karl-Anthony Towns

Just like in the NBA GM Survey, Karl-Anthony Towns comes in to just snub Anthony Davis.

Davis is playing like an MVP right now, his nickname is “The Brow” and he has the look of a monstar. However, we already have a cartoon facial feature in Harden’s beard and the Monstar like appearance of Porzingis, so Davis’ strengths are not as needed to fulfill the cast.

While Towns is not as good of a player as Davis and they are only 2-3 years apart age-wise, Towns is still favored in the GM survey and for this cast for one reason:

He’s amazing with the media. With a huge blockbuster movie, you need someone who is likable, good at interviews and has a big personality. KAT has that in spades. We already know he’s a huge Space Jam fan and would do anything to play a part in it.

Giannis Antetokounmpo

The Greek Freak. He doesn’t even need special effects! (I legit think he did it for real) Do I need to say more?

Russell Westbrook

You thought the PG was going to be Steph Curry didn’t you? Nope. We are choosing Russell Westbrook and here’s why:

It’s the current player Kobe compares himself to, he’s already the face of the Jordan Brand and he even plays like a Monstar. The reigning MVP is a no brainer.

Now Westbrook would never join the Monstars willingly, but when the Nerdlucks are scouting for talents to steal, Westbrook would be the one catching their eye immediately. Last year’s MVP definitely has the star power, playing style and fashion style to take Space Jam 2 all the way to the red carpet. Imagine Westbrook’s suit of choice for the Oscars. I can’t wait!

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